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Comfortable In My Own Skin

Since my last post things have gotten a little crazy. We lost a case manager at work so we are now down to 5 which is nowhere near enough, I FINALLY saw someone about my knee, I’ve been to physical therapy, we finished moving/unpacking the millions of boxes from our old apartment, and my boyfriend is now on the road with his cousin for the next 8 weeks, roughly, so I am at home alone with the dog. Now, as I said, I finally got to go to the doctor and when I did they, of course, took my weight. Let me be honest….it wasn’t pretty.

Now you have to understand, I’ve always struggled with my weight. I’ve never been the skinny one. At my best I was still pretty chubby but at this point I feel like a blob. Not only is it affecting my knee, but I have way less energy than I did 30 pounds ago, I’m tired all the time, and I’m CONSTANTLY thinking about going losing weight and going back to my anorexia ways because I’m nowhere near comfortable in my own skin. The problem? My doctor said I am not allowed to do any workouts that put strain on my knee. No lunges, squats, nothing. Really the only thing I can do is sit-ups but with how horrible they are to your back do I really want to do that? So here’s the plan.

I have spoken with many people who have tried it or are currently doing it and it looks plexus is the way to go. I know starving myself isn’t healthy and just ends up with more weight gain in the end so that isn’t an option. However, I have not tried this new, sensational, pink drink. Tomorrow I get paid, the next day I order plexus, and hopefully within a week it will be here and I can get started.

This will not be something I do on my own because I will be giving updates every week so you guys will be there right along side me. These updates won’t just be the typical “OMG, it works!” but rather my victories and my struggles along the way. So stay tuned in and if you feel the same as I do think about taking this Plexus journey with me.

See you guys later!

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#Struggleville

We’ve all been there. Bills become more than the paycheck, emergencies (that require money) happen, and there’s nothing we can do about it.

I’m there.

Bills keep pouring in and my knee is all kinds of messed up, but there’s not enough money to see a doctor. It’s hard, it sucks, and it’s near impossible to stay positive but I’ve been thinking over the past few months… What’s the point in worrying all the time when there’s nothing I can do about it anyways? My paycheck will be the same no matter what I do and the bills will keep coming so why be miserable!? Especially when there are so many people out there doing way worse than I am. I know, everybody says that but it’s true. As you guys know I work with the homeless. Most of my clients have $0 to their name and sleep in our shelter every night put they are the most positive people I have every seen so why can’t I be that way as well?

Now this doesn’t mean I don’t worry about my situation because I do. Daily. But worrying about it and still staying positive can in fact coexist. The roof over my head may cost a lot but at least I have one. My car insurance may cost an arm and a leg but at least I have a car. My knee may hurt every second of every day but at least I have both of my legs and can still walk. Everything has a positive side you just might have to think long and hard before finding it. I know I did. Plus, this won’t be something you do overnight. It takes time and it takes focus. As I have said before you have to monitor yourself and choose to find the positive. You also have to work hard. Because knowing you are doing everything you can helps  A LOT.

Part of me doing everything I can has involved setting up a GoFundMe page so feel free to share this link  with anyone that might be able to help. Even $1 helps at this point and you guys have no idea how much your help means to me.

I’m choosing to stay positive and I hope you do to. No matter the situation you are going through you are in fact going through it. You won’t be there forever so keep pushing on!

New Job, New Start, New Awareness

Roughly two weeks ago I started a new job as a case manager at the Salvation Army not even realizing it was a church. Now, I am a Christian and I think being able to freely express your faith at work is pretty darn cool, but combining the two is harder than I ever imagined. Why? Well for one I have a stinking potty mouth! Being a church it runs like one in many ways including cursing. Staff are not to curse and in almost all cases clients (which we call guests) are not to curse either. You have to understand, I came from sonic. Where not only did I learn to curse like a sailor but for seven years every other word coming out of peoples mouths–including mine–was a curse word. I thought it was normal to curse at work, and maybe it is, but not here and honestly…I’m struggling. The struggle is real people. I constantly have to monitor what I am saying and I have already slipped up more times than I can count on one hand but it’s progress. Maybe one day I will stop cursing completely, who knows, but for now I’m taking it one day at a time and praying I don’t get myself in trouble.

Besides my potty mouth, I did not realize how much I have pulled away from God. Yes, I know he is there. I know he has a hand in my life, but that does not mean I have been pulling close to him as much as he pulls close to me. I realized this when I was unpacking a box of books at our new house. I got to the books that go on the bottom shelf and there was my bible. Being placed on the bottom shelf of my bookshelf. Out of sight, and out of mind. In that moment I did not think much of it but a few minutes later I had a thought; why is my bible on the bottom shelf, never being used, when it should be on the bedside table being read every night. Thinking on that question I determined that when I lost faith in the church due to crazy, extreme, circumstances (that I will not go into) I lost a lot of my faith in God and his word as well. Just because I do not trust churches, well, the people in them, does not mean I should distance myself from God or stop reading his word and praying completely like I have ended up doing. I may never get back to the determined faith I had in grade school or even the beginning of college but I need to start somewhere. That “somewhere” is moving my bible. I may not bring myself to read or even open it for months but taking it off that bottom shelf and putting it in sight will at least keep me aware. And for now that is all I need.

This ties into work because each week during staff meeting there is essentially, small group. For those of you that do not know what that is, it is essentially church but with a smaller number of people (about 10 in my case) and for a shorter amount of time (about 20 minutes or so). The chaplain on site comes in, reads a passage from the bible, does a short teaching on it saying how it can be applied not only to our daily lives but to our work lives, takes prayer requests, and prays. In all honesty it made me uncomfortable. I did not realize I had pulled so far away from God that hearing about him made me feel uncomfortable yet that is exactly what has happened. And yet again, being aware of that has done more for me than anything.

I guess the moral of the story is that although working for a church is rough it has made me aware. Aware of my potty mouth, aware of the distance I have put between myself and God, and aware of how much I let people determine my closeness to him. Maybe pulling close to him, for now, means simple steps; acknowledging the existence of my bible or sitting through staff meeting without thinking about other things going on. For now it’s all I can do and that is okay. I think as long as I am doing SOMETHING, I am on a path for the better.

Some people take leaps and some of us take baby steps. If you are struggling with your faith, or anything else for that matter, just start somewhere. Beginning is half the battle.

Faith-it’s rough

I’m not the first to admit that faith is hard. Trusting an invisible being that we consider to be “in the sky” who has my whole life planned out for me is probably the hardest thing I will ever do, but as my life continues I realize that sometimes you just have to grin and bare it. I may not always want to hand over my life to God and a lot of times I fail at doing so. Okay, maybe most of the time, but the thing is, that’s okay. I’m human. I question things, I make mistakes, and I fail. A lot. Yet every time something happens that is obviously God’s doing I come back to that realization that he is there whether I question him or not. So why question him? It doesn’t matter what I do. He will be there. And honestly, I’m grateful. Without his hand in my life I would not be here. By placing the right doors in front of me at the right time or closing ones that need to be closed he is slowly but surely keeping me on the right path. Keeping me alive. Now, it’s not to say that I don’t make my own decisions because, you know, the whole free will thing, but who’s to say those decisions aren’t influenced by HIS will. Certainly not me.

I have to start trusting him without question and boy oh boy is that difficult but in the end I think it may make things a lot easier. Maybe over time I will be able to tell when he is dabbling in my life and when he is leaving me to figure it out on my own but no matter what I must trust that he knows what he is doing and know that he would never do something without knowing the outcomes first. He’s done a great job so far so why not trust him with the rest of my life as well?

Have a great day and remember, trust!

 

 

First blog post

I plan on using this blog to be honest and open. Not only about my struggles and triumphs as a writer but as a human being and believer. Sometimes it is hard to remember that we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we are nowhere near perfect but I believe being honest about struggles and celebrating triumphs helps make life a bit more manageable.

As a fellow blog reader I know long posts can be tedious. Keeping this in mind I will try to write posts that are short and to the point. Posts will begin this week and every so often I will try to have guest bloggers, check back later for more!

-Emilee Laraine